Note: I wrote this late last night. Really late. There are some things you are so compelled to write, it can’t wait. I decided to save the post as a draft and sleep on it, wait until the morning, when I would be sure that hitting “publish” is the right thing. It is.

It is after midnight and I should be in bed right now. Every time I try to go to sleep, or think about crawling into bed, the thought is so appealing. My brain — it’s rushing with so many things in my head. Partially having to do with this morning’s post.

I really don’t like talking about negative energy on the internet, because it is hard for me to talk about. It makes my stomach turn into knots. Generally makes me feel … icky. There are many websites devoted to discussing blogs and online personas, those which often cause emotional harm. Regardless, today I would like to talk about the other side of the internet. The wonderful side.

How blogging saved my life.

Before the Blog

It all began before I started blogging back in early August of 2010 (August 8th, to be exact). I had recently plunged into a vegan lifestyle, and was loving every second of it. From early spring of that year, I discovered that I really loved to cook, and was actually kind of good at it, when my grandparents came to stay for a week while my parents were in Europe. Once this began, I was fascinated with the limitless numbers of delicious-sounding recipes I would find online. Recipe books were great and all, but how could you beat an endless collection of recipes, right in your living room?

Many of these recipes were on blogs. Once I realized all of the amazing recipes I was finding were from these blogs, and often came with people behind them that had stories, writing talent, and most of all, powerful voices. This intrigued me, and once I turned vegan, I found even more blogs, devoted to vegan diets. To me, it was wonderful to find a place where there were other young women who were enjoying a healthy lifestyle, and that lifestyle being normal. In my high school (at the time), eating healthfully was taboo. No one did it, and if you did, you were suddenly the object of inquiry. I found comfort and community in these blogs, and loved reading them every morning before I would begin my day.

My summer was filled with recipe-seeking, adventures in the sun, but also a lot of stress. It occurred to me at one point that I was getting a little too crazy about restricting my diet — which I was. I shrugged it off, and continued to look for fascinating ways to “improve” the way I ate. I began to exercise more, and in different ways. I would read books and blogs, taking things that were meant to be taken as a grain of salt, instead, as law. I literally lived by the book. Were it not for my sickness in the eighth grade, I may have handled my choices differently. However, I continued to love what I was doing and how I was doing it.

Senior Year

Fast-forward to the beginning of school, and I was thin. I was beginning to receive ridicule from those around me, with the exception of my family and best friends. Going to school was not easy. At first, I could handle the stares, the whispers, and the avoidance, but after a month or so it started to get to me. I would go home at the end of the day, and in my unhappiness, take it out on my family in the form of frustration. I would put all of my energy into my schoolwork, working out on a strict routine, and thinking about what I would eat at my next meal. Planning was essential, and control was key.

Eventually, I would start breaking down a couple of times a month at the dinner table, not sure why I was so deeply upset and couldn’t stop crying into my sparse plate. At this point, I was in denial, trying my hardest to ignore the stares of those around me, and live my life. Daily living isn’t easy without people around you to remind you of the essence of life. Allow me to rephrase that: Daily life isn’t easy when those around you are unkind. A strong soul can endure that, but only for so long.

Soon enough, it was once a week. After that, it was multiple days a week, until it was more than once, every day. I needed help. I had hit rock bottom, and saw no way out. I would cry to the point where I felt I might vomit — though there was nothing. We considered sending me to an inpatient facility. I suggested it. I didn’t want to leave my family, but I was scared for my life. **

This was while my Dad was sick and out of the hospital, finally. He took care of me, rocked me until I could breathe again, while he was brain-impaired. My Dad is the greatest man I’ve ever known, and I can only thank him for the rest of my life. My family didn’t always understand what was happening, and constantly tried to help. They did everything they could to save me.

The Moment

The thing about eating disorders, is that the person who is sick will never get better until they have their moment. Their epiphany. Their place in time where they look in the mirror and see the sick, unhappy body that is the home of a beautiful, struggling soul. That they want their home to be healthy, so their soul can live once again.

That moment came for me one night as I was reading through blog comments. The entire time I was sick, I kept my composure in my writing and tried to bring light to my daily life. My blog was where I brought the small spark of happiness left in my heart. The struggling would leave for a few minutes, and I would write, making the small things in my day beautiful. I came upon a few comments in particular that flipped a switch. I’m not sure what, or where, but I read a comment that told me I was beautiful, smart, and talented. I scrolled through and realized that there were other comments similar, that were so kind. I realized that I kept blogging because of the kind souls who would comment every day; uplift me when I needed it most.

An unbiased observer is often a beautiful thing. Blog readers are similar in the sense that most of them (I hope and believe), see the good in others. They see what is most wonderful, most beautiful, and bring it to the light. I would often get e-mails from readers, telling me I had inspired them to be confident in their healthy lifestyle choices, despite common dissent from their schoolmates. Many of these were young girls, suffering from eating disorders, who I would help even when I could not help myself.

A switch flipped. Wheels turned. It all came together, like a rush of wind. I realized what they were saying, and asked myself: Do they really think I am wonderful? Am I really a good person? Am I beautiful? They don’t see the real me. If only they knew how sick and unhappy I was. If they see the wonderful, beautiful, good me, I can be that again.

I began to cry and read through all of my positive e-mails, all of my kind, loving comments, and sat in my room, crying tears of joy. I looked in the mirror and saw a scared, suffering body, and the unhappy, sick soul of a girl who needed help. I looked in the mirror and told myself, I am going to make you better. I am going to be the person my readers see me as. I want to be happy, healthy, and live every second as the unique child of love that I am. (as corny as it sounds)

Recovery

From that moment, I saw what was really there in the mirror. I didn’t see the pinch of fat I wanted to eliminate, I saw room for love and growth. I ate to nourish, and was determined to bring love to my body. To fill it, to grow. I became focused on rejuvenating myself, and rebuilding myself to my potential. Every day, I appreciated my body for doing what it did, and celebrated newfound fullness on my previously-emaciated body.

Slowly but surely, I was becoming whole again. It took almost six months before I felt I was no longer engulfed by sickness. The end of my senior year of high school was difficult in its own right, choosing where I would go to school (I love you Syracuse), reconnecting with my family and old friends, and finding my fire again. I blogged through much of it, every day being supported with blog comments and reminding myself that I am worth every moment I live, as are those around me.

It took me until about a month into school at Syracuse before I could say I was no longer sick. That the darkness had left me. The pain, the sorrow, and the constant slavery to an invisible control. Food was nourishment and fuel. Creating relationships at school became the most wonderful thing to happen to me. I realized that being around others didn’t always mean feeling bad about myself. It was a joyous, wonderful, and exciting thing to be with people that appreciated you, laughed at your jokes, and wanted to be around you.

What This All Comes Down To

Make no mistake: Blogs did not cause me to fall into sickness. My own choices, environment, insecurity, and lack of self-love did. I was going through a dark time with myself, with feelings of inadequacy and loss of purpose. I was left to the one thing I could control, the one thing that was reliant at the end of the day: my writing, my hunger, and my body.

Blogging saved my life. Were it not for the positive, beautiful community that graces this corner of the blogosphere every day, I may still be living in darkness. This is not to say that I did not have family, friends, and professionals who cared about me and were trying to help me; I did. Truly, the beautiful thing is that blog readers are people who don’t always see you in your worst, and often see you as your best self. They see the beauty, the potential in you, and uplift and encourage that part of you every day. That is something special. A community of kind, loving people who want to see you happy.

There are so many things I wish I could say and do for all of you out there who maybe don’t always see the beauty in yourself, the wondrous potential, and ability to create something wonderful. Who don’t always realize that you are a unique gift to grace each day, and deserve nothing less than pure love. No one should ever have to live in the darkness, or become consumed by sickness. I want all of you to see that you are wonderful — and that there is always someone out there who wants to see you thrive.

All of you — you saved my life. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

xoxo,
Katelyn

** Edit: Sentence removed. Thank you to all of my readers with genuine concern.

Tagged as: blogging saved my life, eating disorder, serious talk